How to not be a People Pleaser – Learn to Just say No!
Being, a “people pleaser”, can be both a blessing and a curse. One one hand is a great thing because a “people pleaser” just wants other people to be happy. However, this becomes problematic when it causes one to over-commit themselves to projects and tasks.
A lot of “people-pleasers” feel as though they have no choice in matters. But the truth is you do! You have the choice to say no or it isn’t a good time for you. You also don’t have to feel guilty about that. If you are busy or you just don’t want to do something, that’s okay! Most of the time, other people would prefer you to be honest and upfront with them rather than to do something that you don’t really want to do. So, knowing that you have a choice in the matter is the first tip to stop being a “people-pleaser”!
There’s no reason why you have to say “Yes” to everyone. Do not be a “Yes man” or a “Yes women”. There are often times when you should turn other people down. If you find yourself agreeing to do things when you really don’t want to do them, you’re a people pleasing. In general, this may not be a lousy trait to have, but it can be a considerable stressor to your life.
People pleasers think of other peoples needs before their own. They worry about what other people want, think, or need, and spend a lot of time doing things for others instead of themselves. It’s hard to always be pleasing everybody else.
Anxiety “People Pleaser” Face
People pleasers often hold back from saying what they are really thinking. They often do not ask what they want from other people for fear that someone will be upset with them for it. Yet they spend a considerable amount of time on people who do not consider THEIR needs at all. “People pleasers” often feel driven to make insensitive or unhappy people feel better – even at the detriment to themselves.
Constantly trying to please other people is not only draining, but it makes one constantly feel anxious, worried and unhappy. People Pleasers they may not understand why no one does anything for them when they do so much for others – but often they don’t even ASK for what they need. This is the trap I fell into myself. I found myself always agreeing to do for others, but when I needed those same people to help ME out, they were curiously occupied.
People Pleaser may believe that if they ask someone for help and that person agrees, that they are only helping because of obligation, not because they really wanted to be helpful. The rationale is – “if they really wanted to help, they would have offered without me asking them”. This line of thinking happens because people pleasers themselves feel obliged to help and do not always do things because they want to do them. Sadly, people pleasers have been taught at some point in their lives that their worth is dependent on what they offer other people.
Say “NO” with Conviction
When you do finally say no, are you stern about it? Do you stick firmly with your decision or do you go back and forth and use a lot “well, maybe” type of responses? When you do finally say no to something, you’ve got to say it with conviction, especially when it comes to people who do not take hints well, or who are always asking with you to do things that are outside of your comfort zone. You can’t be wishy-washy with everyone, and at some point, you have got to just take control and say “No!”
Do You Feel Like It’s Worth Saying No?
It is important, however, to know which situations it is worth it to yourself to tell others “No”. It may feel nice to tell your boss that you are really busy and cannot take a new project (even if you aren’t really that busy,) but it’ another thing to tell your friend that you cannot go out to lunch with them. You have got to weigh the pros and cons of saying no and decide when it is worth it for YOU!
One thing that a lot of People Pleasers have a hard time with is excuses. You may try to come up with a bunch of reasons in which you cannot be somewhere or why you can’t do something. Don’t do that. It’s dishonest to yourself, and sometimes it can end up giving the other person a chance to wiggle you into doing what they wanted you to do in the first place anyway. Instead, just say No. It is not something you want to do. No excuses or reasons are needed. If they keep pressing the issue, keep saying no! It can be a hard thing to do but it is worth it!
Start Really Small
You cannot expect to immediately stop being a people-pleaser if that is all you have ever known. You must start out small by making that step to say NO to a friend that is constantly asking to borrow things or for you to drive them places. Tell them No once, twice, three times and eventually, they will stop asking. Start out small!!!
Set aside some quiet time
Set aside some time for yourself where you will not be disturbed. In the silence, away from the busy-ness of life, is when more answers will come to you. Bring all of the attention to your inner being, to the core of your inner Spirit. Take some time to feel your feelings deep within you. If this is the first time you’re doing this take your time to lock off the outside world. Explore your inner feelings as if you are visiting a house for the first time.
Allow yourself to feel loved
Focus your attention to a place of love. Feel all that love. Allow the warmth to shine through into your inner being. Bask in the rays of the warmth of that love, and let it embrace you and satisfy you. It is in the disconnection of this loving feeling within that we feel alone. This is where the void starts in which we try to fill with outside sources. Many times, this will end up in our disappointment because of that someone not giving us what we desired. Don’t rush this process. Allow yourself to be healed from the inner wounds of the heart. Feel the presence of love enter and become the healing balm of your emotional wounds.
Become Love Conscious
As you go about your day, be aware of the love that resides within you. True love gives life and nurtures all. It is inside of you, and it is who you are. Nothing outside of love is real. All else will pass; people will change, and circumstances will take on a different form. But true love will remain constant and reliable. As you focus on your awareness that you are made of love, you can walk in that consciousness. Though you may desire to express that love in some form to another, it is dependent on another person. That love is you. It is in you, and for you. You decide what to do with it.
These are just a couple of ways that you can stop trying to please everybody else, and instead, start to please yourself!! I know it can be hard, but it will definitely be worth it. Break that habit of constantly saying yes all the time, and just say how you feel.
Living your life to please others is changing the quality of your life. Recognize this and start the process of transformation to become more true to yourself. This change may seem like an overwhelming or frustrating process, but it does not have to be if you are given simple and doable step-by-step strategies.to do so. These steps will get you from where you are to where you want to be.
Finally for once in your life-use “No!!” as the entrance to a new world!
I love you all!!! Stay on the good path!